I’ve asked myself countless times why I put so much pressure on myself. Throughout my 20’s and 30’s I haven’t been competing against anyone else but myself. I have held myself to such a high standard. To deliver everything I put my hands on with a pretty bow on top. I expect myself to do everything to a stellar standard, and present it with a smile. To the point, in my previous work place, I didn’t shout up when the pressure became too much. I carried on through the most severe tension headaches. Because I realise now, I didn’t want to appear weak. I didn’t want to appear not good enough for the job.
I put pressure on myself to be the doting Mum, to be present 100% of the time. But that’s impossible as a Mum. It’s impossible with anxiety. It’s impossible in the world we live in today. But still…how dare I let my mind wonder in the middle of snakes and ladders?!
I put pressure on myself to cook like Gordon Ramsey (I wish) most days of the week. On the days I let it slip, guilt creeps in, so was the easy meal worth it…now that I’m sat questioning why I failed my family instead of summon up the energy to cook fresh salmon and veg? (Rogue reference, I hate salmon).
I put pressure on myself to keep the house a certain way. It’s not spick and span, don’t get me wrong. But if it looks TOO lived in, the control freak kicks in.
I put pressure on myself that I need to lose weight. To be accepted? To look good enough? To feel the Instagram style beautiful? I’m not sure. But as I am, I don’t feel good enough.
People always comment ‘why do you put so much pressure on yourself?’ And my answer has always been ‘I don’t know’.
Well, now I think I do. There have been countless moments in my life, where I haven’t been listened to. My voice hasn’t been heard. Most poignantly a man who didn’t let me say no, on the dark streets when I was all alone. The only words I managed to get out were ‘Don’t you dare’. And he dismissed them as his fist flew through the air.
He stole my voice. He stole my power. He stole my strength. He stole my worth. It is so incredibly difficult to put into words the impact a trauma such as rape or sexual assault can have on someone. I still can’t. All I know is that I am 17 years on from the experience, and my body can remember it like it was yesterday. The fear holds me. Safety long vacated.
This incident is a very strong representation of not being listened to. But there are many others, and it looks different for each person. Emotional or physical abuse in a relationship. Workplace bullying or simply not having your requests, ideas or reservations heard in the workplace. Your children not listening to your requests, until you feel like banging your head against the wall. All different scenarios, but the impact remains the same.
When we are not listened to, it makes us feel so very small.
It makes us feel worthless. Not good enough. Like something might be wrong with us. We ask ourselves ‘why am I not important enough to be heard’. So we strive for perfection. We strive to prove ourselves. We strive to leave nobody wanting. We strive to feel good enough. We shut ourselves in a pressure cooker, with just stale air to breathe.
But with no surprise, that’s not going to solve the issue. Because the people or person that hasn’t listened to us, is at fault here, not us, not our worth. They may have taken our voice once upon time, but we can get it back.
We can get it back by offering ourselves the safety and compassion we deserve. We can get it back by paying attention to what we’ve experienced, and treating ourselves like we would others.
If someone told your story back to you, as if they had experienced what you had. What would you say? I bet you’d offer them relief and love and a whole lot of empathy.
Well you, I, we are worthy of that empathy too.
Release the valve on that pressure cooker. Because there is nothing to prove. Let’s stop putting ourselves on a pedestal. Let’s stop performing.
Let’s instead show ourselves love, compassion and safety. That is how we heal. That is how we find our voice and let go of the impact others left on our worth.
Are you ready to take a big gulp of fresh air?
Me too.
Let’s do it together. X
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Lots of love x
