As a Mum and the default parent, I’m the one that’s always around. The one that makes my kids food, the one that takes them to school, the one that picks them up from school. I’m the one who constantly sets boundaries. I’m the one that always says no or be careful or only five more minutes.
On the flipside my husband is the novelty parent. The one who’s around less because he’s keeping a warm roof over our heads. The one that sweeps in from work, cuddles all around. The one who throw’s yeses out like a broken gumball machine. The one who’s rarely clock watching or second guessing. The one who’s always ready to play.
I watch on with envy at my husband’s carefree attitude as I ask myself ‘Gosh what must my kids think of me. I’m just the boring one. The constant in the background. The default screensaver.’
I’m so tired of saying No, I’m tired of setting boundaries, remembering bath night, the birthday party RSPV’s and setting every appointment. I’m exhausted from being so grown up and responsible, of thinking of every next step and stopping them before they hit their head.
I WANT TO BE THE FUN ONE TOO!
Well, I can be on holiday! ..Can’t I?
On holiday space is naturally created, as responsibilities of running a household are left mostly back at home. So, the last few holiday’s I’ve been so ready to release the fun Mum FINALLY…
Until I proceed to watch my kids dote over their Dad like he’s the best thing since sliced bread. I witness their arguing over who gets to share a bed with him, as they revel in the novelty of having their Dad available 24/7. They go IN on him.
And I filter further into the background than ever before. I tell myself I KNOW why they want him, I KNOW I should sit back and enjoy the break and be thankful they have two parents to argue over. And I am. But I feel like I’m screaming ‘I’m here too, ready to let go and have fun’. And no one is noticing.
I find myself questioning my worth. Asking if I’m good enough. The holiday’s go by, my default ‘boring Mum’ role unchanged.
Recent times … and still striving to be the fun one.
You may or may not have seen, we have a new puppy in our home. She’s adorable and so loved, but it has come with a big dose of guilt from my side, as a large amount of my attention has been on our new family member, rather than my kids. Not that dissimilar to bringing a new baby home! This guilt drove me to a plan. I agreed with my husband, he would stay at home on ‘puppy watch’ so I could whisk my kids off to have fun together at the park.
We arrived at the park and we played together for a short while, but it wasn’t long before they started playing with another child in the park. I love it when they make friends of course. This was definitely a win. I loved watching them play with their new friend.
But… I also couldn’t shy away from the fact I was feeling disheartened. My special couple of hours with them having pure fun hadn’t materialised.
I found myself left on the side lines once again.
As I watched my kids run around with smiles on their faces, looking across to me for reassurance as they whizzed past, my mind flicked back through the snapshots of time where I’m ready and available and yet my kids look beyond me.
And then it hit me
Perhaps my children don’t need any more from me than what I’m already giving. Perhaps their cup is full. PERHAPS they do see me as the fun one too. In way’s I don’t even realise. In quieter ways. The silly voices. The board games. The puzzles. The lego. The colouring. The drawing. All these little moments that blend into our days.
Sometimes we have to sit back and try and see ourselves through someone else’s eyes. Our kids eyes.
Because you know what, all those tasks that feel boring? They actually represent safety. Your kid knows that in every minute, in every day, you have their back. Without even realising, you are busy weaving the biggest safety net in their little lives. And those sprinkles of fun you’re providing throughout the day? They see those as buckets.
Mum’s you’re rocking your kids world. You’re everything to them, including the ‘fun one’. Don’t forget it and please don’t ever doubt it X